Sunday Funnies: Things Dogs & Cats Should Remember

Things Dogs Should Remember

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
11. Kitty box crunchies are not food.
12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
14. I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
15. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
16. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
17. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
18. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
19. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
20. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
21. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Things Cats Should Remember

1. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
2. Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.  
3. I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
4. If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
5. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
6. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
7. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
8. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
9. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files" or "Supernatural").
10. Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
11. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my humans earrings are not cat toys.
12. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
13. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
14. The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
15. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
16. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
17. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
18. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
19. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
20. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
21. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
22. If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.