Sunday Funnies: Bruce & Jenny

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.   He bravely walks up to her father and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied:  "Well Bruce, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied:  "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies:  "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this.   "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks Bruce is just the cutest little thing.

Sunday Funnies: International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today's Sunday Funnies be in honor o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day. This entire post be dedicated t' speakin' like a pirate. This day only comes around once a year so we might as well have a ball with it while it lasts!

If you don't quite have a grasp on speakin' like a Pirate, thar be several sites on t' net that can help you out.

T' start out with, let's visit t' Original TLAP web site.  There, you can find tons o' links t' get you on your way t' livin' t' pirate life. (Well, speakin' it, anyway.)

If you want t' see some pirate talkin' in action, then I suggest you head t' t' TLAP YouTube page.

But t' fun doesn't stop thar! There be pirate quizzes t' let you know just how much o' a pirate you are, name generators for your ships and for yourself if you're havin' trouble settlin' on just t' starboard pirate name, links t' info on real pirates and even links t' buy some pirate gear t' make you look like a real pirate.  Have a look around. I'm aye you'll find somethin' that strikes your fancy.

I did me pirate quiz and found out just who I would be on t' ship:

You are The Cap'n!


Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn't eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You're mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that's his problem, now isn't? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.


What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Just what member o' t' pirate rank and file be you?

Have a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, me buckos!

Sunday Funnies: Five Surgeons Take a Coffee Break

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break and conversing about their patients:

1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Sunday Funnies: The Farmer, The Truck, The Salesman and the Cow

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, He paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said:  "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

BASIC COW:  $500.00
Two tone exterior:  $45.00
Extra stomach:  $75.00
Product storing equipment:  $60.00
Straw compartment:  $120.00
4 Spigots @ $10 ea:  $40.00
Leather upholstery:  $125.00
Dual horns:  $45.00
Automatic fly swatter:  $38.00
Fertilizer attachment:  $185.00
GRAND TOTAL:  $1,233.00

Sunday Funnies: Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.  After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "'Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.  Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.  Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:  "Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me?!"

Sunday Funnies: Things Dogs & Cats Should Remember

Things Dogs Should Remember

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
11. Kitty box crunchies are not food.
12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
14. I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
15. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
16. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
17. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
18. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
19. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
20. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
21. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Things Cats Should Remember

1. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
2. Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.  
3. I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
4. If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
5. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
6. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
7. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
8. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
9. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files" or "Supernatural").
10. Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
11. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my humans earrings are not cat toys.
12. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
13. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
14. The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
15. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
16. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
17. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
18. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
19. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
20. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
21. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
22. If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Sunday Funnies: Things I Learned (Lernt) in the South

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen  before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are  words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. 'Jaw-P'? means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom'?
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word. It means  'I'm fixing to do  that'.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about  you'.
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH  'em.
16. You measure distance in minutes.
17. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
19. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
21. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and ketchup.
22. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for college football, local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.
23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as  'goin' Wal-Martin' or  'off to Wally World'.
27. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
28. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

Sunday Funnies: Diary of a Floridian Who Moved North

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow...  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

Sunday Funnies: Advice for Northerners Moving to the South

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural.  "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol", as in "big 'ol truck", or "big 'ol boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

Sunday Funnies: What's in a Name?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother:  "Mary," he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom:  "Ann, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce:  "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.  Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner."

Sunday Funnies: Wilma and Barney Go to Church

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney always falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma went to the priest and asked him what she could do. The priest handed her a needle and told her to prick Barney with it every time he fell asleep.

The next week at church Barney fell asleep while the priest was talking and when the priest asked "who is our savior?" Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out JESUS!!  Soon after that he went back to sleep. The next question the priest asked:  Who is Jesus' Father?  Wilma poked him with the needle and Barney yelled out GOD!! then went back to sleep.

The last question the priest asked was what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricked good old Barney with the needle again and he yelled out:  IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Sunday Funnies: A Little Political Humor

The Sunday Funnies today is going to focus on politics.  Politics doesn't make you chuckle, you say?  Oh, my.  Apparently, you haven't been watching the same politics I have.  And, being the open-minded individual that I am, I can find something that makes me chuckle on both sides of the aisles in US politics so both the Democrats and the Republicans get equal time here today.  Although, I admit that, of today's selection, one side of the aisle tends to make me laugh hysterically more than the other.  (I'll give you a hint:  it has nothing to do with pie.)

Now, on to the funnies...

Do you like pie?  What kind of pie do you like?  Do you like sweet potato pie?  Coconut cream pie?  Do you dream about pie?  Pumpkin pie?  Do you prefer your mother's sweet potato pie over pie you can buy at a diner?  If you had to choose one pie, what pie would you choose?  I like pie.  I like cake more than pie, but I like pie.  If it's the right kind of pie.

How many times can President Barack Obama say the word "pie" in a single speech?  Once?  Twice?  Three Times?  Fifteen times?  Watch the video and find out.  Both videos are basically the same thing, but, I think the fact that the same speech was given more than once certainly underscores just how much President Obama truly does love pie (or, at least likes to use it as an analogy)!

October 11, 2008, West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:
 

October 16, 2008, New Hampshire:


Have you ever wondered what God thought of Sarah Palin?  Did you ever wonder if God thought the same thing everyone else does?  Well, apparently he does have an opinion.  And he's posted it on YouTube:

Sunday Funnies: The Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."  The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.  He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.  The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Sunday Funnies: The Black Bra

As told by a woman...

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.  We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Sunday Funnies: Crazy Laws from Each US State

It's a good thing the Grammy Awards weren't held in North Carolina this past year or Taylor Swift's performance with Stevie Nicks would have put her in a world of trouble!  God bless the state of Kentucky for making sure its residents always stay clean.  I think I might retire to Louisiana because I'm considering being rather cranky when I get older.  And I'm very glad I don't live and date in Idaho. 

Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Arizona
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

Sunday Funnies: A Brush With the Law

Things You Never Want To Hear A Policeman Say

1. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
4. "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
5. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
6. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
7. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
8. "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
9. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
10. "Just how big were those two beers?
11. "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Things You Should Never Say To A Policeman

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Sunday Funnies: I May Be Six Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 a.m. Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00 a.m.. He golfed right handed and won the round.

The Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.

You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.  Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

Sunday Funnies: What Gender is a Computer

(Who doesn't love a little bit of techie humor??)

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Sunday Funnies: The Southern Way of Doing Things

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina 's worst air disaster occurred! A small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

South Carolina
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage."
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Sunday Funnies: Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the young husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'